SUCCESS!

Well, I got my computer to work right, meaning it no longer shuts down after five seconds of being on. WOO!

But for now, I have to leave it off -- in my reseating of the heat sink, I couldn't reapply the thermal paste that I needed to, so I'm buying a tube tomorrow and solving that issue soon.

HOPEFULLY THIS MEANS I CAN START PLAYING STUFF YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS